L. O. L.

Characters
ROMEO, a young boy
JULIET, a young girl
NARRATOR, the narrator
FULGENCIO CAPULET, an old man; Juliet’s father

NARRATOR: Two households, both alike in dignity, In fair Verona where we lay our scene, From ancient grudge, break to new mutiny
(Romeo and Juliet enters, kissing each other)
Where civil blood makes civil hands-
(Narrator sees the lovers)
UNCLEAN, UNCLEAN!
ROMEO: What are you shouting for?
NARATOR: Didn’t you here the narration? You are from dignified families! And how about the ancient grudge? Ancient grudge, for heavens’ sake!
ROMEO: What are you talking about?
NARRATOR: You are Romeo right? And you young lady is Juliet Capulet I believe?
ROMEO & JULIET: Yes!
NARRATOR: Then why are the two of you together? I mean, eventually you’ll be together, but not as early as now.
ROMEO: Not as early as now? It’s already 11 o’clock in the evening!
NARRATOR: Idiot! I’m not talking about any part of the day. You are from two families torn by the biggest, most unreasonable, petty feud in the history!
JULIET: He’s right Romeo…
ROMEO: What? So we’ll now bid adieus and pretend we never felt this thing called love?
JULIET: Of course not! He’s right that our families had been enemies since ancient time. I’ve read it twice, Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, 1623 Folio edition.
NARRATOR: Good thing you took Shakespearean Literature seriously. With Ma’am Menchie I suppose?
JULIET: Nah! We had it with Ma’am Gay last semester.
NARRATOR: Okay. So you probably know what comes before this fateful meet and greet part of the story?
JULIET: Of course. There should be a masquerade at our mansion, and sweet Romeo will gate crash. OMG! Romeo, I have to go and pick a nice gown for the celebration. Bye!
ROMEO: Wait! Wait!
NARRATOR: Lover boy, you have to prepare for the great celebration.
ROMEO: Oh, I’ve got plenty of formal clothes. I’ll pick Armani for the masquerade.
NARRATOR: Be you in Armani or Hermes, still you won’t make it to the party. They have bouncers trained to spot Montagues and give them a good beating.
ROMEO: Really? Well, I do have a disguise. (Romeo puts a mask on) How do I look?
NARRATOR: You look like Zorro. Or perhaps, just Romeo with a mask on.
ROMEO: It’s because you know it’s me!
NARRATOR: Ok. But before I lose my patience, go and hide first. I think someone’s coming.
(Romeo hides behind the bushes. The Narrator stayed on the side of the stage. Enters Fulgencio Capulet, Juliet’s father.)
FULGENCIO: Everything seems to be going smoothly. Plenty of food, nice music, lots of celebrities. Not to mention Pacquiao dropping by! And most importantly, no Montagues! (Romeo makes some noise. Fulgencio spots him) You! You boy lurking in the shadows!
ROMEO: I’m not lurking… I’m just… hiding.
FULGENCIO: Don’t I recognize you?
ROMEO: Oh… I doubt it for I’m just a humble traveler by the name of Zorro.
FULGENCIO: Ah yes, I’ve seen the movie. But no hat, no cape, no sword and no Catherine Zeta-Jones.
ROMEO: Yes it’s true I don’t have any of those you mentioned, especially Catherine. But I do have Juliet Capulet… who ended my lonely nights…
FULGENCIO: I knew it! A Montague! Ronald Montague!
ROMEO: Sir, it is Romeo. Romeo Montague.
FULGENCIO: Whatever! Be it Ronnie, Ramon or Rupert, still you are a Montague.
ROMEO: But sir, I come in peace…
FULGENCIO: Then you shall go into pieces! (Romeo did not react.) My little joke. It seems so cruel to kill you for you are weak and helpless. But being cruel is so good, and I do have a sword!
(Fulgencio chases Romeo who runs to the forest. Juliet returns wearing a gown.)
JULIET: Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?
NARRATOR: Wherefore? What kind of word is wherefore? Anyway my lady, your lover was chased by your father, who appeared out of nowhere.
JULIET: It can’t be! Knowing father, he might have killed my Romeo by now! Oh, how cruel life can be! Why do we have to suffer all of these just because of a family feud!
NARRATOR: Here young lady, take some of these –
JULIET: Poison tablets? Oh, just exactly what I need.
NARRATOR: Wait!
(Juliet consumes half of the contents of the bottle and dramatically faints on a bench.)
NARRATOR: (Takes the bottle from Juliet’s hand) See what happens to those who don’t care to listen?
(Romeo returns, breathless.)
ROMEO: Narrator, where is my Juliet?
NARRATOR: There she is, lying beautifully on the bench.
(Romeo bursts into tears.
ROMEO: Juliet, my fair Juliet!
NARRATOR: (Consults his script and addresses it to the audience.) And so Romeo, consumed by despair, gazed down lovingly at Juliet. What else does he have to live for?
ROMEO: Nothing! My life is at an end!
NARRATOR: Calm down lover boy. Here, take some of these –
ROMEO: Do you often carry poison?
NARATOR: Well it’s not –
ROMEO: Very well… (Takes in the rest of the tablets.) Farewell cruel world… See you soon my Juliet…
(Romeo staggers for sometime before collapsing beside Juliet.)
NARRATOR: (Consults his script.) Then fair Juliet awakes.
JULIET: What was that noise? Oh it’s my darling Romeo. Romeo, wake up! What happened to him Narrator?
NARRATOR: Just like you he took some of those tablets I offered you a while ago.
JULIET: (Bursts into tears.) Oh my poor Romeo, why leave me so soon? (Suddenly stops) Wait. Wait a minute. Why is he here? I thought my father chased him?
NARRATOR: Well, after you fainted, he showed up, breathless. And seeing you seemingly lifeless, he swallowed what was left of the tablets you greedily consumed earlier.
JULIET: Ah… Okay. (Suddenly gasps exaggeratedly.) So he’s alive too? He’s not yet dead?
NARRATOR: Who says he’s dead?
JULIET: Then what are those tablets you gave us? Aren’t those poisons?
NARRATOR: Of course not! Those are relaxants. I thought it would help the two of you calm down. But being perfect epitomes of exaggeration, you overdosed yourselves and voila, you fainted.
JULIET: Why didn’t you bother tell us?
NARRATOR: I tried to, but both of you are fond of interrupting me. (Juliet turns to Romeo who finally wakes up.)
JULIET: Romeo…
ROMEO: Oh just as I thought. You’re still beautiful, even up here in heaven. (Romeo sees the Narrator.) Is that you Narrator? You committed suicide too?
NARRATOR: No, you idiot! I’m alive, and so the two of you.
ROMEO: But… what happened?
JULIET: I’ll tell you later my love. I am happy to see you perfectly okay after being chased by my father. Romeo, please take me with you. I’ll go anywhere with you, just take me away from our parents, away from this curse of being Capulets and Montagues!
(Fulgencio enters with a bulky flat box)
FULGENCIO: Why leave without us knowing my dear?
JULIET: Father! Please let us go! I love Romeo so much that taking him from me is as good as taking my life!
FULGENCIO: I know. I know you love him so much. And I know too that he loves you.
JULIET: What are you talking about father?
FULGENCIO: When I chased Ronald –
ROMEO: Sir, it is Romeo.
FULGENCIO: Do you want me to chase you again?
ROMEO: Please proceed with the story Dad.
FULGENCIO: When I chased Rodrigo to the forest, I accidentally fell on a hunter’s trap. He could just leave me there, after what I did. But he did not. He helped me get out of the trap and with that, he just proved to me how much he loves you.
JULIET: Oh Romeo, you really did that?
NARRATOR: Uhmm, excuse me. What is that box for sir?
FULGENCIO: Oh this? Romeo asked me to pick out this white dress.
ROMEO: Finally sir, you got my name right!
NARRATOR: How sweet of you guys. But according to what I’ve read, William Shakespeare’s “Romeo and Juliet” IS a tragedy. If the two of you will end up living happily ever after, where is the tragic part there?
ROMEO: Well…. let your death be the tragic part. (Romeo thrusts a sword on Narrator.)
JULIET: You deserve it, after all the mess you made.
(Romeo, Juliet and Fulgencio exits happily, to the tune of Taylor Swift’s Love Story)
NARRATOR: And as they say, for never was a story full of riot, than that of Pretty Juliet and Romeo the Idiot.

------------------------------------THE END-----------------------------------


November 2009